07/03/2006: "How to Become an NBA Wifey"
Want To Be An NBA Wifey?
Written By: Danyelle Smith
Email Danyelle Smith
You can smell them coming a mile away. A hint of
Issey Miyake perfume blowing in the wind with each
step of their Jimmy Choo sling backs, and you know
they are looking for their next prey. It's open season
on every basketball court from here to Toronto and
girls looking for the ultimate "catch" have sharpened
their acrylic claws and are on the loose.
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Groupies love basketball players. There is nothing
higher on the "food" chain of available men (only
football players and A-list celebs like Usher and
Jay-Z get more attention). You are a bad female if you
can get a b-ball player, and if you snag him boyfriend
style, every woman in a Baby Phat capelet with
matching chandelier hoop earrings will give you the up
They've got phat paychecks, their hustle is legal, and
they've got street cred and Hollywood connections.
Most women who get their hooks into a NBA Baller can
live the glamorous life that only Sheila E could
summarize in a short-lived eighties hit.
NBA Ballers are a helluva catch. But along with the
quasi-fame of being his main chick (or at least in his
harem) there are drawbacks.
There are plenty of women with decent faces, fresh
weaves, and phat asses. They are a dime a dozen. You
have got to have something that sets you apart. Brains
would be extra but not a necessity. Some men want a
pretty woman on their side, but can't hang with one
that is too intellectual. Especially if he came into
the draft right out of high school. (yes, I said it!)
Ask the ultimate chick-on-the-side come wife and now
mother Vanessa Laine Bryant and she will tell you. You
have to to work to become the wife. You have got to be
on your job 24/7. Sometimes, you even have to get your
familia involved. Have them threaten to throw you in
jail for statutory rape if you don't place a ring on
that finger. That usually does the trick, but only
works if the Baller is stupid enough to go after you
while you are underage.
It also helps if you are some type of celebrity. You can
be a beautiful singer and actress like Vanessa
Williams, a pop chanteuse like Brandy, or even a
one-time Real World cast member and so-so singer named
And if all that doesn't apply, read Kama Sutra, watch
Jenna Jamison DVDs and "practice". If your personality
doesn't get him, your bedroom techniques, if performed
at a high quality, just may do the trick.
But of course, with every woman that snags a NBA
Baller, a woman loses one as well. Ballers have so
many choices of women, it is almost impossible for
them to be faithful. Even the most "green" and "naive"
NBA Baller can fall victim to a below-average hotel
worker with a decent bust line.
Infidelity comes with the territory when you are
dealing with any celebrity, but in basketball, it is
almost a guaranteed phenomenon. Michael Jordan, Rick
Fox, Magic Johnson, Allen Iverson, (do I have to go on
and on?) have all been either caught or accused of
cheating on their wives. And poor Kobe! Not only was
he caught, but he was caught with a woman so beneath
the caliber of his wifey Vanessa Laine. Oh, how the
mighty do fall.
The season is amping up, and I suspect that wannabe
NBA Wifeys are lining up for every game hoping for
their chance in the spotlight. Ladies, make sure to
keep those Louis Vuitton bags stuffed with all the
accessories you will need for a night with a Baller.
But remember: 'without love, it ain't much'.