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08/27/2006: "Cheaters Starring Robert Littal as Joey Greico"

BONDS (46k image)

Cheaters Starring Robert Littal as Joey Greico
Written Robert Littal
Email Robert Littal

One of my favorite shows of all time is “Cheaters”. By now everyone should have seen at least one episode of this show and if you haven’t you should. The premise is very simple: one person in the relationship thinks the other is cheating, so they hire Cheaters to follow them to get the evidence. After they collect the evidence they bust the guilty party in a public place and hilarity ensues (except for that time the host Joey Grieco got shanked by someone who didn’t think it was so funny). Just imagine if BSO had a show called Cheaters:

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE!!!

Barry Bonds:

BSO Investigation Day 3: After going 1-4 with a walk, BSO Investigators follow suspect Bonds to a Lids hat store in a local Bay Area mall. After trying on every hat size in the rack, suspect Bonds gives up trying, realizing his head has gotten too large for any normal size hat.

BSO Investigation Day 6: After a couple of days of inactivity while suffering through a 1-15 slump suspect Bonds is seen rubbing what looks to be baby lotion on every part of his body. On that day he goes 4-4 with 3 Grand Slams.

BSO Investigation Day 11: Unknown to suspect Bonds BSO Investigators have tapped his cell phone. The following is a conversation between suspect Bonds and two other people identified as Porn Star Wannabe Victor Conte and Jose Canseco.

Bonds: What are you up to Vic?

Conte: Laughing at Greg Anderson on CNN.

Canseco: Did anyone see me pitch last night?

Bonds: Jose all I need you to do is write another book and be sure to deflect all the attention from me and on to Albert Pujols.

Conte: So when do you want us to ship the stuff Bonds?

Bonds: Are you crazy Vic don’t you know the Feds could be listening? But, be sure to mail it to Felipe Alou’s address:

With this information, BSO concludes its investigation:

Marion Jones:

BSO Investigation Day 1: While observing Suspect Jones, BSO Investigators notice that when she goes to the restroom she doesn’t sit down. BSO Investigators file away the information for more processing at a later date.

BSO Investigation Day 7: After being beaten in a practice race, by Tina Yothers, suspect Jones is observed receiving a massage from Justin Gatlin’s massage therapist and receiving a shipment from Ben Johnson; she wins the 100 meter easily that afternoon.

BSO Investigation Day 8: After a story leaks about suspect Jones failing a drug test, BSO Investigators witness suspect Jones repeating these 5 statements over and over:

“If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit”
“I never knowingly did steroids”
“I did not do steroids….Period!!!”
“My body produces this naturally”
“Did Tawanna tell you that?”

With that BSO closes its investigation.

Floyd Landis:

BSO Investigation Day 3: After the public finds out about Suspect Landis’s unbalanced testosterone ratio BSO Investigators overhear a conversation with Suspect Landis and his lawyer:

Lawyer: We are going to hold a press conference and you are going to tell them that your body produces this naturally.

Suspect Landis: But what about the other 8 tests that showed up normal?

Lawyer: *silence*

Suspect Landis: Someone is bound to ask the question, and I will end up looking like a fool.

Lawyer: Ahhhh screw it, just go on Jay Leno and tell them you took Viagra.

Suspect Landis: *silence*

BSO Investigation Day 9: After making several public appearances and making a complete fool of himself, suspect Landis is overheard in another conversation with his lawyer by BSO Investigators:

Suspect Landis: WHAT THE F*CK, you told me to do all these interviews and say all these excuses now I look like an idiot.

Lawyer: Don’t worry; we have a foolproof plan in place.

Suspect Landis: It’d better not be about Viagra.

Lawyer: The Viagra thing could have worked, but trust us this time we have something guaranteed to work. We have sent someone down to California to the Dallas Cowboys Training Camp who will give anynoums tips to ESPN and every other sports organization that Terrell Owens is faking his hamstring injury. This will take the spotlight off you immediately.

Suspect Landis: Brilliant!!!!

With this information BSO concludes its investigation.

BSO Cheaters now revisits the case of Ben Johnson. The renounced steroid user talks about being caught by BSO Cheaters in the 1988 Olympics:

"I had to cheat; if I didn’t cheat Carl Lewis said he planned to sing at a banquet dinner if he won a gold medal and nobody, I mean nobody wanted to hear that. Have you ever heard this brother sing? He has killed many dogs with that voice of his.

When BSO Investigators ran up on me and poked me in the bicep I wasn’t really surprised when blue ooze dripped out. Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, they don’t have nothing on me. I was taking everything known to man and putting it in my body. Horseroids, HGH, LSD, LSG, BBD and anything that I thought could make me faster, I took.

If I had to do it again, I would have been more careful. Maybe I wouldn’t have shot up right before the race, that wasn’t a good idea. I would like to thank BSO Investigators for opening up my eyes to what I was doing to myself."
....

If you suspect an athlete of cheating and would like to BSO Investigators to check it out, feel free to e-mail us at cheaters@blacksportsonline.com (Not a real e-mail address. I already get enough e-mails).

*Edited by C. Coplen