The AFC North is an extremely inbred and incestuous division, and it functions as happily as an inbred, incestuous family would. Two of the teams (the Ravens and the Browns) are actually the same team, one being the original team moved to a different city, and the other being an expansion team formed where the original team started. As if that wasn’t confusing enough, both the Bengals and the original Baltimore Ravens (nee Cleveland Browns) were founded by the same man, Paul Brown. The Pittsburgh Steelers have one of the widest fan-bases around, and are credited with being the main reason suicide rates in Pittsburgh aren’t as high as they rightfully should be. I mean, have you been to Pittsburgh?
The Bengals fan is perfectly happy to not be a Lions fan, and thanks her lucky stars every day about that. She wears an awful lot of animal print clothing and doesn’t care whether it’s tacky or not. The Bengals girl is easy to impress and a sucker for flattery, as she and her team have almost never really known any sort of accolades or success in life. She is still boasting about her team beating the Steelers twice last season, and hates people from anywhere but Cincinnati. Loni Anderson is her heroine.
The Browns fan used to hate the Steelers more than one would think was healthy, but all that changed in 1995. The female Browns fans has one thing and one thing only on her mind; the final and ultimate destruction of the Baltimore Ravens. She is single-minded in her hatred, and nothing can or will assuage this ill will. You could date a female Browns fan for 4 years, and cheat on her with her sister the entire time. Then, at the alter of your wedding, tell her what you’ve been doing. Her anger then would pale in comparison to the Rage she feels towards the Ravens and Art Modell. When the Browns moved to Baltimore and became the Ravens, old Browns fans had a new rival, greater than the Steelers. The female Browns fan is huskier than other women, all the better to survive those freezing AFC North Winter games.
The Ravens girl loves violence, and looks down her nose at the Browns girl. She believes the Browns girl has a case of sour grapes as purple as the Ray Lewis jersey that she proudly wears. The Ravens female has been indoctrinated and baptized into violence by the style of play of her team, and loves nothing more than a good blindside hit on an opposing team’s player. She doesn’t understand the concept of a “cheap shot” and revels in the sight of an opposing player laying unconscious on the field. She harbors a deep resentment for the Steelers girl, but respects their mutual love of violence. In true “Mean Girls” fashion, they will join forces to mock and belittle Browns and Bengals fans. They believe that Ohio is the worst place on Earth.
There are two sub-species of female Steelers fan. First is the fully Genetically True Steelers fan, and secondly is the Cicada Steeler, so called because she is only seen every seven years or so. The True Steelers fan is a die-hard Towel Waver 365 days a year, rain or shine, fair or fowl. She knows all of the Steelers history, and probably possesses the greatest football knowledge of any female football fan in the league. This is because she lives in Western Pennsylvania, and she is desperate to find anything to take her mind off of the crushing depression that stalks her consciousness like death stalks the elderly. The Cicada Steeler only materializes when the Steelers are winning, and goes into slumber when they aren’t. She probably only likes the Steelers because she has sexual fantasies about Troy Polamalu. During her slumber she sometimes re-emerges as a Cowboys fan, but will always revert to her Steelers ways when they start winning again. This kind of girl WILL sleep with your best friend, and is to be avoided at all costs.
John Minus is a noted Bon-Vivant and raconteur. He has a podcast called the Alter Negro Sho and can be contacted on twitter: www.twitter.com/DonCoyote