Profiling the Female Football Fan: NFC East Edition
The NFC Beast is the ugliest, angriest most vicious division in the NFL. It is also one of the most successful (not including the Eagles). Together the NFC East is responsible for 11 Super Bowl victories (again, none by the Eagles). Female fans of NFC East Teams are usually some of the most hardcore girls you will ever meet, and if they aren’t they either toughen up pretty fast or stop watching football entirely.
The Beast is no place for the faint of heart, and neither are their fanbases. Though the actual Eagles bring very little of worth to the football field, their fans bring such an intensity to Divisional Rivalries that any Beast Girl has to have thick skin. For all the hatred and vitriol, Eagles and Giants fans are somewhat distorted mirror images of each other, as are Cowboys and Redskins fans.
Ah, what is there to say about a Lone-Star Girl? Confidence and self esteem are never in short supply with the female Cowboys fan. She demands the best of everything because she believes that she is worth it. She most likely loves Disney, especially the Princesses because in her mind she is a Princess. In her mind she is America’s Girl for America’s Team. Much like Jerry Jones, she is quite delusional. She is unable to recognize any of the Cowboy’s numerous personal and professional faults, and completely overlooks the facts pertaining to her team. She lives in a Silver-and-Blue Wonderland where she is the Queen of Stars and all must bow down before her and her team. She elicits much disgust to everyone else in her division. If you can withstand her pompous, righteous, overbearing superiority complex, you will end up with quite an attractive woman, Most Cowgirls take pains to be as physically attractive as possible whenever they are out in public. Ever heard of a girl who sleeps in full makeup? Chances are she’s a Cowboys fan. They may lack substance, but they always look good, just like the Cowboys.
What is there to say about a Eagles girl that hasn’t been written on the bathroom walls of every truck stop between Philly and New York City. There are two sub-species of Eagles fan; the Jersey subtype and the Philly subtype. Though both types are loud, boorish, ignorant, and mostly indefensible, if you must deal with a female Eagles fan you are much better off with a Jersey girl. Jersey girls are by and large, smarter, more socially adept, and FAR better looking than their Philadelphian counterparts. A PA born Eagles girl is akin to a cavewoman, unevolved, stooped, and primitive. She cannot actually spell Eagles, she only knows the letters through rote memorization of that idiotic song they sing. Self-loathing and bitter, the Philly fan turns on anything that brings her some semblance of happiness. She prefers to be hurt and miserable because she takes some perverse masochistic joy in complaining. She does not understand the concepts of sportsmanship, good will, or education, for that matter. Yet she will never leave the Eagles, and will defend them to her last breath, or last beer, whichever comes first. I could go on, but really there’s no reason to ever approach or engage a Eagles girl, unless she’s from Jersey.
New York Football Giants
A Giants girl is the best kind of girl. She is as True Blue as the G-Men’s jerseys. Like the Eagles fan, they also come in two subtypes, the Jersey type and the New York type. There’s not as much difference between the two as there is between the Eagles subtypes, but the NYC Giants women have more attitude and, of course look down on anything NJ. But they are cool with you if you are a Giants fan. A Giants girl will go to games, tailgate in cold December, go insult-for-insult with an Eagles girl, make a great dinner, and stick by her significant other to the end. She’s a loyal, trustworthy, salt of the Earth kind of person. For all intents and purposes she is the perfect woman. She should not be taken lightly; she drinks hard, fights hard, and will not let anyone get over on her. Take the Giants girl for granted at your own risk, as she is highly intelligent and knows her football better than most. She will call any player on the Giants the foulest curse words you have ever heard, but she still loves them all the same. The Giants girl is also quite affable and has a great sense of humor; in short she is a joy to be around. One could do a lot worse than to land a Wrecking Crew Woman.
If the Cowboys girl always wanted to be a Queen when she grew up, then the the Redskins girl wanted to President of the United States. The Cowboys girl wanted to be saved by a handsome prince from the evil wizard, and the Redskins girl was fighting the evil wizard herself after having killed his pet dragon. Redskins women, much like Cowboys women, are high class affairs and demand to be treated as such. They are no bandwagon types, and look down their noses at women who are. They regard Eagles and Giants fans with contempt, seeing them as crude and vulgar. The Redskins woman is all about pride and respect for the game, which is why she hates the Cowboys so much. To her the Cowboys are everything that is wrong with football. If the ‘Skins are the Smithsonian then the Cowboys are the Vegas Strip. Likewise, she gives Cowgirls about the same respect that she would give a $2 Vegas whore. The Redskins franchise has always prided itself on Defense and Offensive line play, two areas which are the opposite of glamorous. If you want to impress a woman who follows the Redskins, you’d better be down to Earth and most of all, know your shit.
John Minus is a noted Bon-Vivant, Raconteur, and all-around Anti-Hero. He has a podcast called the Alter Negro Sho and co-hosts the Non-Productive Podcast. He can be contacted on twitter: www.twitter.com/DonCoyote and by his email [email protected]