Profiling the Female Football Fan: NFC North Edition
The NFC North (dubbed by Chris Berman as the “NFC Norris” division) was long known as the “Black and Blue” division. The style of play here has always been a smash-mouthed, run-oriented, hit-first-ask-questions-later style of play predicated on historically fearsome defenses and legendary RB’s. Every female fan of an NFC North team has a legendary RB she worships, or at the very least respects. These are collectively, as they say, some tough broads, and would sooner punch you in the mouth than let you talk bad about their team. Proceed with caution.
The Female Bears fan is as protective of her team as, well, a female bear. Not known for being flighty, a woman who likes the Bears will always like the Bears; much like the mighty and proud Golden Eagle, she mates for life. She loves nothing more than a good sausage or other phallic shaped meat, and believes tailgating to be a privilege, not a right. Years of carb-loading (beer, beer, various potato products, and more beer) may have swelled her midsection, but she’ll be damned if she will let anyone imply that she is any less of a lady than the next gal. She will deny this even as she is egging a Lion’s fan’s car. Walter Payton is her hero, and she will swing on anyone who giggles at Dick Butkis’ name. Proceed with caution.
The Female Lions fan is an Endangered Species and enjoys the full protection of the Federal Government under the Endangered Species Act. If you encounter one in the wild you should encourage her to seek immediate counseling, as she is probably suffering massive Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the horrible, brutal reign of Matt Millen. She has panic attacks at the sight of brown paper bags, and seizes up in absolute catatonia whenever the words “Ford” and “Field” are mentioned in the same breath. Just to be safe don’t mention the word “Silverdome” around her either or she might just lose her shit entirely. She can be gently coaxed out of whatever bar or crackhouse she has holed herself up in with nostalgic stories about Barry Sanders and the last time the Pistons won the Championship. Have your local Emergency Psychiatric Crisis Unit on hand to deal with the Lions fan as soon as possible. She should be considered extremely dangerous, as she harbors a psychotic murderous rage towards Matt Millen and, really, all Lions management that could manifest spontaneously and be unleashed on anyone at anytime. Proceed with caution.
Green Bay Packers
The female Packers fan is a jovial and jolly girl, who always has a smile and a joke for you. She loves beer, cheese, and a devastating defense, as personified by Reggie White. A staple at any Lambeau tailgate, she is a hardy lass who can brave even the coldest of Wisconsin winters with a stoicism rarely found in women (at least when it comes to cold weather). In fact, almost nothing can disturb the Packers fans’ sunny disposition. Nothing except for one teeny, tiny little 5 letter word. Farve. The sight, sound, smell, or mention of that word, Farve, will induce a berserker frenzy in the female Packers fan born straight from her Nordic Valkyrie heritage. She may very well grab a double-headed ax and attempt to plant it squarely in your corpus callosum. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT wear any type of purple around the lady Packer, as it will have effects akin to wearing red around an enraged bull. Proceed with caution.
The lady Viking is perhaps the haughtiest of the NFC North crowd, resplendent on her Royal Purple jersey. She has seen some fine players wear the purple-and-gold, from Fran Tarkenton, to Randy Moss, to Adrian Peterson. She is a girl who is used to getting her way, and is used to winning. She looks down her nose at female Lions fans like the Evil Stepsisters looked down their noses at Cinderella. That is why this current Farve situation is so perplexing for her. She is definitely enjoying the schadenfreude of watching the vehement apoplectic fury of her Packers counterparts every time Farve does something Farvian, but on the other hand Brett is a gigantic pain in the ass. Moss was never this much of a pain in the ass. And no Viking has ever put himself above the team like Farve does. The female Viking does not like this state of uncertainty, and when people bring it up she usually replies with a verbal tongue-lashing and maybe a broken beer pint in the kidney. Proceed with caution.
John Minus is a noted Bon-Vivant, Raconteur, and all-around Anti-Hero. He has a podcast called the Alter Negro Sho and co-hosts the Non-Productive Podcast. He can be contacted on twitter: www.twitter.com/DonCoyote and by his email [email protected]