The NFC South is a curious monster. Every other team has shown flashes of brilliance at some point in its history, but has never been able to maintain it. Every time a team gets good it can only maintain that positive momentum for a season or two. Fortunately, the female NFC South fan can maintain arousal far longer than her team can. The mood of these female fans run hot and cold depending on how awful or how well their team is playing at any given time. The odd thing is that every NFC South team has a period of historically terrible losing in their past save for the Panthers. At some point the Bucs, the Saints, and the Falcons have all been the laughingstocks of the league, but right now they all have an air of respectability and a recent history of winning. It is considered extremely bad form to remind the Southern girl about her teams horrible past.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tamp Bay is floating aimlessly in space right now, much like an asteroid, or, say a rookie CB in his first game. Their QB situation is nebulous, their Super Bowl defense is aging and in disarray, and their once vaunted running game is all but non-existent. The Bucs Girl, however, will take this team over any team from the Bad Old Days. Wearing, what I consider, to be some of the most awesome Uni’s ever, the old Creamsicle Bucs were one of the most devastatingly bad teams ever, and no Bucs woman ever wants to see her team return to that level of ineptitude. Fortunately it doesn’t seem that that’s likely, as Tampa seems to be in a rebuilding year more than a crushing nosedive. Still, it’s best to not even tiptoe around the “Orange” days; it’s still a sore subject… Due to high crime rates in the area, the Bucs girl is usually armed, so upset her at your own risk. Proceed with caution.
The Falcons girl is a bright and colorful woman, loud and boisterous. She has the heart of a Saints fan and likes to party just as hard. An Atlanta party is slightly different from a New Orleans party, though, and the Atlanta girl would not have the two be mistaken. Taking the title of “The Capital of the South” seriously, the Falcons woman sees her team as the leader of the NFC South, and cringes at the thought of the *shudder* Buccaneers returning to prominence. At her heart she is a Southern Queen regardless of race, so treat her as such and everything should be fine. Also avoid any dog-fighting jokes, unless you literally want to see things go South in a hurry.
The Carolina Panthers girl has a overdeveloped swagger and ego inherited primarily from Steve Smith. Granted, the Panthers have been relatively successful for an expansion team, and have certainly enjoyed more success in their short life than the Lions have in their entire franchise history. Yet, they really don’t deserve to be as cocky as they are. They beat the hell out an injury depleted Giants team in the 2005 playoffs and think they did something great. They have yet to win anything really, and were spanked in a game they really should have won two years ago, when the Cardinals came to their house and destroyed them. If you come across a Panthers girl, make sure to remind her of these facts, as she surely needs some humbling.
THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
As the Super Bowl Champions, they get the honor of “The” before their name. The Saints Woman, as I got to see up close this summer, is maybe the most devoted fan I have ever seen. You kind of have to be to be a Saints fan. Their ineptitude rivaled the Lions for the entirety of their existence. Even the Buccaneers had more recent success than the Saints had. But then came St Breesus, and he leeeeeeeet the sunshine in! The Saints girl is intractable and cannot be swayed. If nearly 30 years of losing, Hurricane Katrina and BP’s oil spill hasn’t broken her spirit, what makes you think some football heckling would? The opening game is going to produce enough energy to power Las Vegas for a week. Nothing can shake this girl’s faith in the Saints, so just ride with it and, you know, let the good times roll!
John Minus is a noted Bon-Vivant, Raconteur, and all-around Anti-Hero. He has a podcast called the Alter Negro Sho and co-hosts the Non-Productive Podcast. He can be contacted on twitter: www.twitter.com/DonCoyote and by his email [email protected]