Riffing on Week One in the NFL

That Pete Carroll is a helluva guy!

Do a few shots of football analysis with me, won’t you? So much goes on from week to week, but it seems like every media outlet only focuses on a few major stories. I hope to pick up the storylines that fall through the cracks. The first week of the season is like having sex with 16 virgins; each time is an adventure, and a potential nightmare.

-The 49ers Not Who We Thought They Were

Yes it’s only one game, and it’s entirely possible that they could turn it around, but it also seems entirely possible that the 49ers are the new East Coast Jets (a title previously held by the Chargers). They have a good Defense, a decent running game, and an anemic Offense (complete with shaky no. 1 receiver in Michael Crabtree). Maybe they took the Seahawks for granted? Whatever the problem is they have issues that need to be sorted out quickly, as in before the Saints come marching in next Monday.

-Pete Carroll, Not an Amateur

Yeah he washed out of the NFL once already after one season as head coach of the Jets, but who hasn’t? Being head coach of the New York Jets is like rookie hazing; everybody does it and everybody hates it. Besides, the guy has been pretty damn successful since then and still people doubt him. All off-season, no one paid any attention to the Seahawks, admittedly for some good reasons. They hadn’t had any recent success, and Carroll hadn’t made any spectacular moves in the off-season. People doubted that his laid back coaching style would translate to the NFL. They said that he only tweeted about music and silly stuff, which he does. But what was he doing when he was actually working? I guess he was just retooling an offense lead by Matt Hasselbeck who everyone forgets used to be a pretty damn good QB once upon a time.

-The NFC East Ain’t Shit

The Cowboys looked awful against the Redskins Sunday. Granted the ‘Skins defense looked pretty good, but as always a team whose RB’s are as good as Dallas’ are should be able to score more points. They have two more-than-decent wide receivers, they just have no excuse. This is a team that needs a coaching change. Wade Phillips should not be ushered out of the building entirely, the Dallas D is formidable as always. They need direction on Offense or they will have another lost season

The Eagles will win more games with Vick than with Kolb, because McNabb hid a huge weakness that the Eagles have had for years; they can’t Pass Block. That’s why McNabb had to run so much. A stationary target like Kolb will be demolished behind that line. The Giants need to clean up, well, everything, but they still scored 31 points playing like crap, which puts them at the head of the class; an inept, ugly, inadequate NFC East class.

-Is It Too Early to Call the AFC Championship Game?

I know it’s early, but does a Texans/Titans AFC Championship game sound too ridiculous to anyone? My original pick to be the AFC representative in the Super Bowl was the Ravens, but they only scored 10 points against the Jets, who gave them every chance to score more points The Titans and Texans have frighteningly aggressive defenses that are designed to stop Peyton Manning; I think they can handle Flacco and Sanchez.

-Don’t Cry For the NFC North

Lions Lost. Bears might as well have Lost. Vikings Lost. Packers are the only team that came out of the weekend looking and feeling good, which is actually a feel-good victory for me, as I loathe Farve. Farve had the look and feel of a man mired in Regret after the Saints game, and Aaron Rodgers shook off the off-season rust pretty quickly to beat the Eagles… even though they were held scoreless for the entire 4th quarter. That’s not really a bad sign, is it?

-Jags Win! Bucs Win! Dolphins Win!

…and not a shit was given. The entire State of Florida Professional Football Association went 3-0 and absolutely no one paid attention. I guess that’s what happens with TV Blackouts. I don’t think Blackouts are fair; I’ve sat through some truly awful Jets games, but I appreciated that I had the option to. America is about freedom of choice, and you should have the choice to watch your crappy home team if you want to. Every station has the ability to show two games a day, why don’t they? So that they won’t compete with one another? That happens anyway! The NFL is so smart in some ways, and so stupid in other ways. By the way, I would like to address the state of Florida for a second; the ACC sucks and Florida is in a re-building year, so SUPPORT YOUR FUCKIN’ NFL TEAMS! I’m tired of you guys not pulling your weight. If you supported your teams and stopped dick-riding the Steelers, maybe they would have the money to get better.

-Support your Local AFC West

AFC West fans are awesome; maybe it is because there isn’t shite else to do out there but watch Football, but still they support their teams rain or shine. If Oakland fans can support the Raiders after what the Raiders have put them through, Floridians have no excuse. I totally whiffed on picking Denver to beat J-Ville though. It seems like it is going to be a long season for the Broncos. At least they can beat the Raiders… right! Right?

-Jets BCS Championship Hopes Dashed

I am really, really glad that the NFL does not run on the BCS system. Then the Jets would actually be sunk, or would they? They only lost by 1 point. Yes they played like crap, were called for a nrear record number of penalties, and showed no life in the passing game, but still they only lost by 1 point. It seems like the media will portray this as a huge win for the Ravens, but it really is not. It is a 1 point win over a team they are almost identical too. If they think they are going to the Super Bowl scoring 10 points a game, they may well be as delusional as the Jets are.

And now, a Haiku…

No offense to Jets

Receivers are offensive

No touchdowns for you

John Minus is a noted Bon-Vivant, Raconteur, and all-around Anti-Hero. He has a podcast called the Alter Negro Sho and co-hosts the Non-Productive Podcast. He can be contacted on twitter: www.twitter.com/DonCoyote and by his email [email protected]

5 thoughts on “Riffing on Week One in the NFL

  • Pete carroll was coach of the patriots..and mcnabb stopped being a running qb in philly for a minute now..i am glad vick is back..fin

  • Ah yeah, he was their coach from 97-99. I wasn't saying that McNabb was only a running QB, but his ability to scramble is what masked the O-Lines inability to block for him. Kolb lacks that ability, which is why he was destroyed. It may not even be that they are bad pass-blockers, maybe the Eagles lineman are just used to a QB who can save himself.

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