This is what it has come down to. Triple H came out at the opening of WWE Raw for Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel and announced he was thinking of not giving John Cena his rematch at Night of Champions. John Cena then power walked to the ring to confront Triple H and remind him that if he tries taking his shot away he’ll do what every red blooded American would do, sue. That’s right, here we have the good guy threatening to sue the bad guy to the end game of Cena being COO and telling Triple H “You’re Fired!” Yep, these are good guy tactics now, getting lawyers involved. Ugh. The WWE sometimes is allowed to be governed by laws and other times seem to act as its own sovereign nation like the Vatican. Just the threat of lawsuit is the head-slappiest of things John Cena could have done but I guess someone in that WWE writers room has a soft spot for litigation story lines.
The Miz and Cesaro defeated Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler in a champions vs contenders tag match when Mizdow distracted Ziggler. Miz was born to play this character. Miz was made to draw heat.
The Total Divas had a match to promote Eva Marie being on a magazine cover and the return of Total Divas. Look, Eva Marie is terrible in the ring but she is easy on the eyes and the red hair thing is Jessica Rabbit-ish, which makes me think of my childhood. So, she’s great for the Total Divas show and will eventually work her way up to being terrible to just mediocre in the ring.
The 1400 pounds of the Wyatt Family vs Mark Henry and Big Show was next and as exciting as you would think, not very. I love how they had a Diet Mountain Dew promo right before the match as if trying to subliminally warn us all exactly how these 1400 pounds happened. Rusev came out to further his feud with Mark Henry stopping the match.
Paul Heyman, the one behind the one behind the one in 21-1, came out and diagnosed John Cena with Over-compensatory Behavior. That;s why Cena is on such a tear since returnign from his Lesnar beatdown at Summerslam. Heyman said Cena was emasculated by Brock Lesnar. So instead of Cena buying some huge car or carrying a large gun he compensates by beating people up more convincingly than before. Ok. Check. Got ya.
Bo Dallas introduced Jack Swagger to some of the Americans that Jack let down at Summerslam by losing to Rusev. Richie bet a months salary on Jack beating Rusev followed by betting double or nothing on the rematch and he looked exactly like the guy that would double down on a wrestling match. Well, the Richie Family Farm is gone now thanks to Jack and his being a lousy American. Angelo is an up and coming tailor, I heard he was the bad boy of the underground tailor scene. Well, Angelo is an immigrant and because of Jack losing he was so distracted that he failed his citizenship test. So America is kicking him back to Italy. Then there was Jennifer, who’s son used to be a Jack Swagger fan and now wishes to grow up to be Vladimir Putin. Hey I don’t want to sound un-American here but being the head of a country is much better than being Jack Swagger so that kid might have the right idea. Bo Dallas has something, I don’t know what it is but I think he is annoying enough to get heat but entertaining enough to not be irritating.
Then we had Titus O’ Neil lose to Adam Rose by the classic distraction by bunny plus roll-up finisher. Rusev came out with a cleavage-less Lana, the worst type of Lana, to crush Zack Ryder. Hey, at least Ryder is on TV right? Mark Henry came out and told Rusev to welcome to #MERICA and get ready to be put in the Hall of Pain’s international wing. I don’t see Henry being the guy to beat Rusev but they need American heroes and there isn’t a long line for WWE to pull from.
Stephanie announced Nikki as the number one contender to the Divas title and Brie came out to Brie Mode all over our TV sets. Nikki and Brie deliver their lines like I stumbled onto a PG version of 2 am Cinemax. AJ Lee came out to object since she never got her rematch all while getting a loud CM Punk chant. When Punk comes back it is going to be a blessing. Paige came out to object herself at all this talk about the Divas title without the bloody Divas Champion. This was a trash segment that just led to Brie pushing Nikki with the furious Brie Two Handed Shove of Doom. Bleh, whatever.
Wyatt did a promo against Jericho for their cage match next week on Raw. Seems like they’re doing this match next week in order to not waste another pay per view spot on this underwhelming feud. I thought Wyatt vs Jericho was going to be fun but it’s been boring and uninspired. WWE must agree the way they’re moving past this feud with the rubber match on free tv next week. At least it’s in a cage.
Goldust beat Jimmy Uso then beat on Jey Uso’s injured leg along with Stardust. Mark Henry participated in his third segment of the night to let Big Show know he needs to beat Rusev for #Merica followed by Big Show screaming at Henry like a drill instructor. Ok.
Cena, Reigns, and Jericho defeat Kane, Rollins, and Orton in the main ev..zzZZZzzz. Oh, I’m sorry I literally fell asleep on my keyboard directly on the “Z” key during the sentence. Normal match with Reigns pinning Kane after a Spear.
For the “WtF” (Where’s the Funny) files: The “Growing Up Bella” promos were hilarious. Apparently, Brie spent her life stealing from Nikki Bella.
“Right after that photo was taken, Ryan disappeared,” said Nikki while music cues made it seem we were about to go into a “First 48” case. Was Ryan kidnapped? Yes, and Nikki found him with Brie in the parking lot, and Back to the Future taught us exactly what happens in the parking lot of proms. Consensual making out or forced making out. I imagine the latter. Nikki then described a double steal by Brie when she stole Nikki’s license after Brie failed her test and then stole their prized Honda Civic. Finally, Brie stole Nikki’s grades when Nikki had to take some test in place of Brie to help her graduate. I was hoping Nikki would claim that in an alternate reality, Brie actually ate Nikki in the womb stealing her soul. That was not a bad show with it being a Labor Day Raw. Night of Champions is Sept 21st so still a lot of time to set things up.
#StayCandid