Last night’s Monday Night Raw pulled double-duty, serving as the Night of Champions go-home show and the season premiere of Raw. With WWE hoping to pull in ratings Monday and fans on Sunday, we were given some noteworthy matches including the Raw debut of none other than Sting. And somehow, the storylines managed to ruin what should have been a pretty entertaining Raw. Let’s take a look at what went down.
Sting Sends a Statement in His Raw Debut
The Authority makes their way out to start the show, so it must be a big episode of Raw. Steph welcomes us to the season premiere of Raw, which will be mentioned approximately 47 more times before the night is over. She puts over all the superstars that have made a mark in WWE and then Triple H says the next generation of superstars is going to take the wrestling world by storm .
And of course, this is all a set up to put over the man who will lead this movement, the People’s Champion, Seth Rollins. Trips talks about how Rollins will have a chance to cement himself by beating Sting and John Cena in the same night this Sunday, which we all know basically has a snowball’s chance in hell of happening because LOL CENA WINS.
Steph starts putting the Divas over and says we will see history tonight when Nikki Bella takes on Charlotte and she promotes the title match as one of the biggest in Divas history which LOL Sasha Banks and Bayley laugh at your ridiculousness.
Oh and by the way, that guy Sting is wrestling Big Show tonight, not very newsworthy though.
WAIT STING IS HAVING A MATCH ON RAW FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER?!?!
I’ll look past the fact that Big Show is booked in the match for some reason and just be hyped by STING WRESTLING A MATCH ON RAW FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.
As the Authority is getting out of the ring the New Day makes their way down for a dance party with Steph and Trips and it’s as amazing as you would expect. For her part, Steph is with it from the beginning, dancing with Kofi and Big E as Xavier Woods serenades us with the trombone.
The four try to convince Triple H to join in, which comes on that’s the Game he won’t… oh season premier, ratings, all that fun. Trips starts dancing too and, well let’s all be thankful his in-ring moves aren’t as stiff as his dance moves.
Okay I could be overreacting here, but that is the greatest GIF in WWE history. LOOK AT ALL THE AMAZING.
Backstage we see the Authority celebrating about the New Day when our Champion comes in and says that Big Show is going to destroy Sting but he still has issues with Sheamus and John Cena so HEY SHEAMUS VS. JOHN CENA!
Our sort of main event kicks off with Show taking on Sting and the match is actually okay… for a couple of minutes at least. Sting managed to get some offense in on the Giant, reversing a Big Show attempt at a bear hug by hitting a nice DDT.
Of course, Rollins makes his way out to cause a DQ as him and Show begin to beat Sting down.
HEY SETH, DID YOU FORGET YOU HAVE ANOTHER OPPONENT ON SUNDAY BESIDES STING??
John Cena makes his way out to save Sting because of course and YUP YOU GUESSED IT, TAG TEAM MAIN EVENT MATCH.
Rollins tries to sneak into the ring behind Sting while Cena does his shirt tossing routine but STINGER SEES YOU COMING SETH.
The match itself is what you’d expect, lots of Cena getting punished and not much of Sting until a hot tag. Our finish is Cena hitting an impressive AA on Big Show before Rollins tries to sneak in and hit a Pedigree on the face that runs the place. SETH I TOLD YOU STING SEES YOU COMING.
Sting hits our Champ with a Scorpion Deathdrop before putting him in a Scorpion Deathlock (only a little confusing) and making Rollins submit because there’s nothing better than making your Champ tap out in the center of the ring to a 56-year-old on Monday Night Raw.
Sting and Cena celebrate as the Authority reassures Rollins and everyone else that he’s still the best.
Listen, I know the point of this is to make it seem like Sting could actually win Sunday, but when your main event is likely a U.S. Title match, you’re pretty much showing your cards on what’s gonna happen between Rollins and Sting.
I guess we’ll see.
Other Results:
New. Day. Retains. – As frustrating as Raw may have been, DON’T BE SOUR THE NEW DAY IS STILL HERE.
Pretty fun Tag Team title match between the Champs and Prime Time Players that became amazing because of Xavier Woods. Seriously, Xavier Woods is the best thing on TV right now because this is my recap and I say so. Also because he has an amazing YouTube channel that features videos like this.
That’s right. A Street Fighter IV tournament with Rusev, Damien Sandow, and the loser getting pegged by everyone with a tennis ball. Watch at your own risk, you will get lost on this channel, trust me.
Back to the match, Woods also showcased how hilarious he is by stealing the show with his trombone.
That ref is a hater, clearly music to go along with a title match makes said match a thousand times better. You know what’s even better than music going along with a match? Playing slow music on your trombone while Big E stalks Darren Young ringside.
And the best of all? New Day retains and we all get to watch the celebration.
New Day and the Dudley Boyz this Sunday, don’t you take the titles off the best thing in wrestling WWE.
Nikki Retains Because LOL – This actually started off as a pretty good match between Nikki Bella and Charlotte. Bella’s countdown clock was ticking on the Titantron throughout the match and we got some nice offense from the two Diva’s. Charlotte in particular showed off her strength in turning this Nikki armbar into a powerbomb.
Bella controls most of the match but Charlotte fights back and hits a neck-breaker for the near-fall. Nikke responds with a dropkick and then Brie rolls into the ring to replace here while Alicia Fox distracts the ref and Brie immediately is pinned by Charlotte for the 1-2-3!
But yeah, you know this is too good to be true. Team PCB and Ric Flair himself celebrate before Steph comes out and reverses the decision saying that Charlotte won by DQ but she’ll get a rematch at Night of Champions.
So Nikki Bella doesn’t lose the title and is the longest reigning Divas champ of all time because screw the Divas Revolution LOL CENA’S GIRLFRIEND WINS.
Ugh, this was brutal.
Paige & Sasha Banks, the Real Divas Revolution – While the internet literally burns Nikki Bella and her title reign down to the ground, the real Divas Revolution is going on in this feud between Paige and Sasha Banks. Both Divas put on a great match featuring some great moves. Paige took control early after sending Banks to Suplex Town (only Brock Lesnar sends people to Suplex City).
Unfortunately for Paige, things took a turn when she tries to hit a senton off the apron onto Banks outside the ring and Tamina pulls the Boss out of the way.
Banks takes control and makes Paige tap via the Bank Statement for the win.
Afterwards, Team BAD beats Paige and Becky Lynch down and Charlotte is nowhere to be found to even the numbers. Team PCB is going to break up, with Paige probably turning heel. But I’d be totally fine with a swerve that sees Lynch or Charlotte take the heel role.
But back to the match, THIS is where the Divas Revolution should be focused and it’s insane that everyone BUT WWE Creative realizes that.
GIVE KEVIN OWENS A CHANCE – Ryback is in the ring and he talks about how proud he is to be Intercontinental Champion and blah blah blah KEVIN OWENS IS HERE.
Owens comes out and says a few months ago Ryback said he read a book called The Secret that changed his life and Owens says he got a copy and it’s garbage and he feels sorry for anyone who believes it. He calls the book a crutch for weak people like Ryback and then calls it a travesty that the Big Guy is IC Champ (he’s right you know).
Ryback then inexplicably compares his debut to that of Owens and come on dude. Owens doesn’t have time for this so he promises to take the title and YES KEVIN OWENS TITLE MATCH AT NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS.
For good measure, KO throws the book in Ryback’s face before leaving the ring.
Okay Ryback annoys me but look how smoothly he catches the book out of mid-air without even looking.
Seriously though, if Owens doesn’t win the title Sunday we riot.
Your Weekly Reminder that Cesaro is Amazing – We get a much quicker than we would have liked Cesaro-Rusev match that really could have been great with some more time. Despite the time constraints, Cesaro was still able to put on a show, including hitting this awesome head scissors.
The finish of course had to be ruined by the Rusev-Dolph Ziggler feud as Ziggler comes out and gives Summer Rae a gift box and the distraction allows Cesaro to roll Rusev up for the 1-2-3. The Swiss Superman being the talent that he is still manages to make the finish great with the best roll-up I’ve ever seen.
Seriously that was awesome.
Backstage Rusev yells at Summer who manages to open the box before Rusev notices only we never see what it is so SPOILER WE’LL FIND OUT SUNDAY.
Who is Ambreigns Partner? – The Raw seasons premiere brings us a brand new MizTV and the guests are the now even creepier Wyatt’s. Bray Wyatt tells Miz he isn’t safe so Miz lets him know there’s no way he’d be Ambreigns partner and then Bray tells him he wants the world to burn down and Miz pretty much reacts how all of us would if Bray Wyatt was standing two feet away from our faces.
This of course leads to Ambreigns making their way down and Miz tries to introduce them all but Ambrose just dumps him out of the ring and STAREDOWN TIME.
Reigns says Wyatt makes him sick and also could never beat him one on one so he’s not a real man. Ambreigns says they have a partner and their gonna kick some ass at Night of Champions.
Seriously, such a good opportunity here. Please, make a splash WWE, don’t make this surprise incredibly lame.
John Cena Beats Sheamus Because Duh – This match doesn’t really matter because Cena’s real reason for being on Raw was the main event. Typical Cena-Sheamus match with some really hard hitting and some good moves. Cena picks the win up by being Superman and hitting the Attitude Adjustment after Sheamus hits him with a senton because reasons.
Stardust & Neville Feud Some More – Stardust and Neville have continued their feud, moving from teaming with King Barrett and the Green Arrow to teaming with the Ascension and Lucha Dragons. That’s right, SIX MAN TAG MATCH AT NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS.