In light of the latest gossip scandal involving Alex Rodriguez and Madonna of all people, I have decided to come up with a manual for cheating athletes. I like to refer to it as:
THE 10 BONA FIDE COMMANDMENTS FOR THE CHEATING ATHLETE:
I- IF THOU SHALL WIFE HER, THOU BETTER MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T CARE IF YOU CHEAT.
As an athlete I can definitely understand why you would want to get married. You want to have some kids (not out of wedlock). You want someone you can confide in. You want someone you can be yourself around. You want someone who loves you for who you are and not what you are. Plus on top of that, it doesn't hurt to have a nice wholesome image for potential advertisers. As they say, getting married helps the "Q" rating.
But whomever you decide to marry, you better be sure she can handle the fact you are going to have many "side" women. Also, she better be able to handle the fact that women all over the country will be coming at you 24/7 365 days a year. Some women have the fantasy that if they marry an athlete he will be faithful. That is a recipe for disaster. So you may have to sit your lady down and explain to her that she is the main girl. Is that enough to make her happy? If not, you're going to have a lot of issues.
II- THOU SHALL ALWAYS HAVE A PRENUP.
In the immortal of Kanye West: "WE WANT PRENUP".
This should be the simplest rule of all. You make millions of dollars while she works part time of at Payless. That doesn't add up to 50/50. Even if you're following these commandments, there is still a good shot that your wife will leave you (see: Michael Jordan). So you need to protect yourself legally. If she doesn't want to sign the prenup, that should be your first clue that she might not be the one you want to marry. Be fair in the prenup. Offer enough money for her to be comfortable and more importantly to keep her mouth shut after the divorce.
III- THOU SHALL NOT CARE IF WIFEY CHEATS ON YOU.
I like to call this the Shaq rule. Shaq follows the cheating code to a tee. However, the one part that has cost him is, when he found out his wife was cheating on him, he flipped out and filed for divorce not realizing that all the dirt he has done would come to light.
If you are going to have different women in all 50 states and be gone half the time don't be naïve enough to think your wife won't sleep with the pool boy, after sitting at home alone in a huge house taking care of a couple of kids and not getting any sex. Don't be naïve and think your wife won't go to a club and sleep with a random guy who looks like Usher and maybe do it in the club. Don't be naïve if a "George" is whispering sweet nothings in your wife's ear, talking about how she deserves better and ends up playing "Bed Gammon" with her. She doesn't want a divorce, but she does want attention so don't overreact when it happens if you want to keep the majority of your savings account.
IV- THOU SHALL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT IS CHEAPER TO KEEP HER.
Simply put, who would you rather have deciding where your funds go: you or a judge? Much better to pay now than later. So if your wife sees you on TMZ.com with four strippers in a hot tube popping bottles it is better to just give her the American Express card than to have her visit the lawyer's office the next day. Take the hit and move on.
V- THOU SHALL NEVER SLEEP WITH ANYONE IN COLORADO NOR ANYONE NAMED KATIE WITH A JOURNALISM DEGREE, EVEN FROM A COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
I like to call these the "Kobe Bryant and Superhead Rules." Something about Colorado and girls named Katie just seems like a recipe for disaster. Actually, you should stay away from Colorado, Utah, Montana, North & South Dakota, West Virginia and any other place that has more mountains than Wal-Mart's. You should also stay clear of females named Katie, Nancy, Brit, Molly or any other name that sounds like they could have been an extra in Beverly Hills 90210.
Any woman that tells you that "writing" is her hobby should immediately be dismissed from your potential cheating list. The list thing you need is a scorned lover deciding the way she is going to pay off her student loans is by writing a tell-all book about how you like to dress up in a in a Batman costume before having sex.
VI- THOU SHALL NEVER CHEAT WITH AN OBSESSED FAN.
There's a very fine line between a typical groupie and an obsessed fan. If you are going to cheat, you want to cheat with a woman whose mind is based in reality. This is why it is very important to be up front about what it is going down. Crazy women don't think rationally and will show up at your front door with a thong and no shirt on telling your wife this is what you like. Crazy women will show up at the game with a sign saying:
"LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST 2 MINUTES OF MY LIFE"
So when you are cheating with a woman make sure she has the capacity to just walk away. No harm, no foul.
VII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER CONDOMS COST $8 A BOX AS OPPOSED TO 25% OF YOUR GROSS INCOME GOING TO CHILD SUPPORT.
Also known as the "Shawn Kemp/Travis Henry/Evander Holyfield Rule." I had a girlfriend once whose main goal in our relationship was to get pregnant. The reason being, she knew I would always support the child. At that point in my life, I was making $12 an hour in a call center. Now imagine, if I were making 12 million dollars a year, how many women would give their right arm to have a little Robert Littal Jr. running around so they can sit on their ass and watch Oprah and buy Coach bags on my dime.
I understand athletes aren't the brightest people in the world and can't always understand that $8 is a lot less than $8000 a month. I am sure there are women who love athletes for their "personalities" and would never dare to get pregnant on purpose. However, I am more sure there are many women who see athletes as a free American Express card for life.
VIII- THOU SHALL REMEMBER THEY ARE STRIPPERS AND PROSTITUTES FOR A REASON.
Strippers and prostitutes are hustlers by trade. That is what they do. They are pimping their bodies out for profit. Their profession is shady and, in some regards, very dangerous. They are the low rung on the totem pole, so to speak.
So when you mix that with a high profile athlete, you have a recipe for disaster. Be it Pacman errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Adam Jones or Eugene Robinson, it just doesn't seem to work out that well. If you are going to "make it rain," it is best to do it in the comfort of your own home not in a seedy joint where your success only puts a "X" on your chest.
IX- THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT WITH CELEBRITIES.
Blame YouTube, blame TMZ.com, blame Perez Hilton or blame me, but there is no way you are cheating discreetly these days with a celebrity. Unlike ten years ago when it was maybe a blip on the back page of a paper or something to be easily denied, when seen today in the National Inquirer in this, the age of the internet, it is a lot harder to deny.
The A Rod/Madonna thing being a perfect example. Once upon a time, he could have chalked it up to a rumor until the internet detectives started digging up all type of incriminating evidence and posting it on any and every gossip blog online. While I understand the thrill of cheating with a celebrity, it may be best to just have your affair with the girl who gets your coffee at Starbucks if you want it to stay a secret.
X- THOU SHALL TREAT BOTH YOUR "SIDE-PIECE" & YOUR WIFE LIKE A QUEEN.
Also known as the "Mike Tyson Rule." As you know, Iron Mike was convicted of the rape of Desiree Washington. Insiders know while Mike had done some really foul things in his life, this was not one of them. The reason Ms. Washington cried rape was because he basically treated her like she was a "Ho" and kicked her out on the street after he was done with her. Some speculate this also happened in the Kobe Bryant situation, that after not allowing him to perform anal sex, he unceremoniously kicked her out of the hotel room. In return, he got a rape case.
Just because a woman is doing "Ho-like" things doesn't mean she wants to be treated like one and you know the saying about a woman scorned. Groupies think the best of the athletes they are chasing. They put them on a pedestal. If you keep that pedestal intact, you will never have to worry about their running to the press or worse running to the police. Call a cab for them. Tell them they are beautiful or whatever lie you want to come up with. But whatever you do, do not kill the fantasy land they are living in with a dose of reality that could come back and haunt you in the end.
On the flipside, pay attention to your wife. If she truly is your #1, then treat her like your #1. It is one thing to cheat on your woman, but it is a totally different thing to cheat on her and treat her like crap as well. Women of professional athletes will put up with a lot of things but one thing they won't put up with is being disrespected. If she knows you are cheating and treating the woman you're cheating with better than her, you are going to have a problem. She wants you to treat them like "hos." Now you can't exactly do that if you read what I said above, but you better not be treating them like wifey either or you won't have either one and your wallet will be paying the price.
I guess Littal is off vacation because this is classic blacksportsonline article they I am use to seeing. Brilliant and funny as hell. Glad to have you back full time Littal
Woooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
LMAO AT THE KOBE PIC
I thought we were boys
*taking notes*
wow!
classic rant!!!
i love your site even more than i hate jocks!...
peace
alicia banks
aliciabanks.blogspot.com
This guy Littal has a gift. I don't know if i suppose to be laughing or serious
Is Kobe crying?
Alicia you are pretty hot
Pretty good. I agree with number 10.
Men treat whores good when in line to get their dick sucked, but as soon as they're done, they act like shes the scum of the earth, throw them out etc like a bad Brian Pumper porno.
I'm sure if they followed these rules they would have avoided half of the trouble we read about with athletes
Pretty good. I agree with number 10.
Men treat whores good when in line to get their dick sucked, but as soon as they're done, they act like shes the scum of the earth, throw them out etc like a bad Brian Pumper porno.
I'm sure if they followed these rules they would have avoided half of the trouble we read about with athletes
shot out from ASR. Vegeta06
I am listening
Mr. Littal I am really interested in finding out what possessed you to write such an article. I posted snippets of it on Lipstickalley.com and there is a debate as to why you would write something like this. It is like you are condoning cheating on your spouse and are providing instructions on not how to get caught or better yet not get caught up. If you have time to visit the board with an explanation it would be appreciated.
I'm a woman and I agree with a lot of this list however even as a woman for #10 I really think the women would be at fault. Ladies these men won't treat you like hos if you don't present yourself as one.
Like they say why buy the cow when they can get the milk for free.
What is this about my Milk?
only on BSO
Don't hate
Only a twisted mind could come up with something like this which is why I love it.
LAWSUIT
You definitely came off with this fam. Now only if more dudes knew the game before they played it. All the "talent" without the "IQ"
Oh and I got to give you a extra pound (no homo) for #3. I always tell different dudes that. A lot of dudes can't come to terms with that. I always say understand and be able to swallow your medicine when it comes back your way. Therefore if you don't want it done to you don't do it. lol Brothas can't grasp that concept.
iINTERESTING
hahahahaha!!!
IX- THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT WITH CELEBRITIES.
Blame YouTube, blame TMZ.com, blame Perez Hilton or blame me
Very true.
This is some truly sad sh#t and a real statement about how openly misogynistic black men are.
I hope Reggie doesn't see this