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| The Tim Duncan 'Extreme' Make-Over By Robert Littal Dear Mr Duncan, I am writing you this letter as a concerned fan of basketball. While watching you over the NBA All-Star weekend, I have come to the conclusion that you need help. You are slowing killing millions of your fans with you utter lack of 'coolness'. We want to like you Tim, but you are so boring we would rather watch a WNBA game than you. I know you can do better, I have seen the American Express commercial, you have some potential, but we need to see this on a regular basis. Your geeky level is at such a high point that even Napoleon Dynamite thinks you are a dork. I mean for goodness sake David Robinson was a dork, but at least he could play the piano (chicks dig that). Don’t fret Tim I am hear to help, just follow these simple instructions and you will be in the next 50 Cent video by the end of the month: First we need to do something with the hair and beard. Do you even brush your hair? You look like Grady from Sanford & Son repeat on TBS. You need to get the goatee trimmed and fade. Maybe you should just go bald, because it doesn’t look like the waves are coming anytime soon. Now you are definitely going to need some tats,I mean, even Kobe got him some tats. But we don’t encourage raping crazy girls in Colorado (allegedly) for street cred. You don’t need anything major, maybe a big T or something on the bicep. You also need to update the gear, you don’t have to go all hip-hop AI style, but at least get some suits that don’t look like they came from Super Wal-Mart. Next, you are going to have to work on the facial expressions, the droopy dog look doesn’t work for you. If you need some advice on this go ask Kevin Garnett, the king of expressions or even Gary Peyton if you need some legendary advice. You always look sad. Now mind you, you can look anyway you want, but don’t look sad. People don’t like that cause you make like over a 100 million dollars it gives off a bad impression. You have to vary your looks, that is what marketers are looking for these days, someone with range. Hey, call up your buddy Shaq he could help you out with this. While you are at, you need a cool nickname even scrubs like Freddie Mitchell have a unique nickname. You are just Tim Duncan, that is great for an accountant but not for arguably the best player in the NBA. Now we need to stir up some controversy, we need something in-between Ron Artest controversy and Charles Barkley controversy. You want to stay away from the DUIs, beating women, carrying a hand gun type of stuff that is going a little overboard. How about you sleep with Tony Parker’s girl from Desperate Housewives, that would get you on the cover of US Magazine and the front story on Entertainment Tonight. Now you don’t really have to sleep with her (it would be better if you did), just have your agent take some pictures of you coming out of her building or something like that. Maybe you can guest star on South Park with that little kid Timmy. See you have to think outside of that 'square' box! Speaking of women, we need to talk about wifey. I know what you thinking; I am going to trip because she is white. You don’t know me that well Tim, I could care less that she is white. I am tripping, though, because she is not that attractive. She looks like Michael Jackson's ex and I am not talking about Lisa Marie. If you going to get a white girl, at least make sure she is a looker like Tiger Woods who married a Swedish nanny who posed nude. This is the type of forward thinking we need Tim. Get in contact with Magic Johnson he can tell you where all the good white women are at. Just make sure not to get them pregnant, wear protection, and stay away from Colorado hotels and you should be cool. Hopefully this will help you Tim, if you have any questions you can reach me at BlackSportsOnline.com Oh..and have a good day! |
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