Profiling the Female Football Fan: AFC East Edition
The AFC East, for many years, was much like the SEC; the hardest part was getting out alive. Even now, any team can beat any other team in the AFC East, regardless of how good they are. Even though the Buffalo Bills are currently at the bottom of the talent ladder, no team relishes going to Ralph Wilson stadium to play them, especially not at the end of the season.
One of the most violent and merciless divisions there are, the AFC East hatred extends from the stands onto the field. Unlike most rivalries in the NFL, in the East the players hate each other almost as much as the fanbases do. AFC East women are like their NFC East sisters in that they don’t take no mess and will resort to violence when necessary. However, you most likely will never see it coming from one of these girls, and will be very sorry when the dagger, whether verbal or literal, hits you.
The female Buffalo Bills fans (from hereon referred to as a Buffalo Gal) is rare, bust she exists. Like all Bills fans she bears a wound that will never heal; the perpetual wound of “wide right” It’s the closest that the Bills ever got to winning one of the 4 Super Bowls that they appeared in. It was a period of unprecedented dominance in which no team could unseat them for all those seasons, but they just could not seal the deal. The Buffalo Gal has suffered a Super Bowl Hangover x4 ever since then. When in a good mood, the Buffalo gal is amiable and pleasant. Her arch-enemy is the Patriots girl. She has a small shrine somewhere in her living space dedicated to laying curse after curse on Tom Brady. That traffic accident he had on Thursday? That was no accident, that was the ill-will of 1,001 hate filled Buffalo Gals putting hexes on Tom Terrific. But he yet survived, as he is protected by far more powerful, and more sinister dark arts.
The Miami Dolphins woman is like a East Coast version of the Raiders girl. Like the Raiders girl she is stuck in the past. Like the Raiders girl she is categorized by most people as a “slut” and usually carries some sharp instrument with which to protect herself after she leaves her job “dancing” at 3AM. Chances are she picked the Dolphins as her team because she likes their colors and/or thinks dolphins are “cute”. Peroxide probably figures largely in her lifestyle. Almost everything about her, mentally physically and spiritually is fake or man-made. Everything except her loyalty. The Dolphins girl will always have 1972, and other than Don Shula those are the only things she really knows about football. She does know, however, that she is constantly hated on by Jets fans. She figures that the Jets girls are fat and jealous of her. If there’s one thing that’s hard to deny it’s that Dolphins women are exceptionally sexy, if you’re into that sort of thing.
New York J-E-T-S
The Jets girl is a more unassuming version of the Giants girl. She is definitely wife material. She cooks, understands the game, is a monster in bed, and one of those girls who is completely comfortable being one of the guys. The Jets woman is a low maintenance type who looks as beautiful in no makeup as she does all done up. She is an independent woman, word to Beyonce. She would rather do for herself than have someone do something for her, which is why she absolutely despises the Dolphins fans. A Dolphins and Jets girl are polar opposites in ideology, and they just plain don’t get along. The hate is mutual and deep-seated. If you are looking for a great (if sketchy) one night stand, look for a Dolphins girl. If you want a girl all your boys (and girls) will be jealous of, seek out a female Jets fan, you will never regret it.
The New England Patriots
The female Patriots fan didn’t even exist before Bill Belichick became head coach. She was previously just a Red Sox fan, and couldn’t give one single fuck about the Patriots who, for most of their existence, where extremely horrible. Once Belichick was hired as head coach and the Patriots started winning, they gained more attention in the area, but not enough to really unseat the Red Sox, or attract females fans. It was only once the male model Tom Brady became the starting QB that women became interested in the Patriots. Purely interested in that guy, the female fans of the Patriots hurriedly tried to assimilate some semblance of football knowledge. They failed, of course, and are regularly schooled by fans from any other team in the AFC East. Pats fans fight this with their Ungodly Levels of Obnoxiousness. The Pats girl is no exception and is perhaps the most annoying of fans; the one with the least right or knowledge to be obnoxious, but is the first and loudest one to proclaim that her team is the best. She masturbates to pictures of Tom Brady whenever possible. She would be arch enemies with Buffalo Gals, if she actually knew what a “Buffalo Bill” was.
John Minus is a noted Bon-Vivant, Raconteur, and all-around Anti-Hero. He has a podcast called the Alter Negro Sho and co-hosts the Non-Productive Podcast. He can be contacted on twitter: www.twitter.com/DonCoyote and by his email [email protected]