If I wasn’t a sports journalist (using that term lightly) I think I would have been a criminal profiler. I am big on Forensic Files and anything on Discovery ID. I am going to do some profiling of Mr. Updyke (interesting name).
Mr. Updyke is accused of poisoning Auburn University famed Toomer’s Corner Trees (it is where the kids celebrate after big games on campus).
After the studying the mugshot this is that I have come up with.
- No girlfriend (hasn’t been with a woman since 1982)
- Lots of dogs
- Lives in trailer
- Says Roll Tide while watching internet porn
- Takes a bath once a week
- Big poster of Nick Saban in his bedroom
- Fridge stacked wit Budweiser and Bologna
- Has Confederate flag hanging outside
Sounds about right, someone put me on payroll with Discovery ID. Here are the details:
Lee County officials have arrested Harvey Updyke in connection with the Toomer’s Corner tree poisoning, WTVM-TV in Columbus, Georgia reports.
According to the report, Auburn police arrested Harvey Almorn Updyke, 62, from Dadeville, and charged him with criminal mischief for applying an herbicide to the historic oaks at Toomer’s Corner.
One last thing, if you are wondering how he got caught, Mr. Updyke called into a radio station to brag about what he did. You can add idiot to that profile list.