With just a few weeks left until Night of Champions (still?!), WWE put on an interesting show featuring every title holder in the company in action (minus Nikki ‘Countdown’ Bell), with Seth Rollins pulling double-duty. Let’s see what went down and why we should all feel bad for our reigning Champ.
Two Times the Misery for Seth Rollins
As is often the case, Raw kicks off with WWE/United States/People’s Champion Seth Rollins making his way out and letting everyone know that he is a once in a lifetime kind of special. He lists off his accomplishments and, you know what maybe we are kind of underrating the guy. First to cash-in at Mania, first to hold both the U.S. and WWE titles, beat Brock Lesnar and John Cena in the same year.
Rollins then talks about how jealous Sting is and even acknowledges the ‘We Want Sting’ chants from the crowd before complaining about his statue again. Rollins says he plans to crush Sting’s opportunity of a lifetime at Night of Champions and the crowd gives the Champ a ‘boring’ chant as he rambles on. HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT SETH ROLLINS. Rollins tells them that he can go on all night and then he starts talking about his match with Cena but promises to use his two matches to cement his legacy and get back his statue.
Finally, Sting appears on the Titantron with Rollins statue (that looks like it’s made out of a combination of mud and chocolate) before telling the Champ to come get it while dusting its face. No really, he dusted it.
And just in case this segment hasn’t already covered enough, Sheamus makes his way out too. The Celtic Warrior tells Rollins he looks worried about Night of Champions and Rollins tells him his only worry is the statue. Then, we have this PHENOMENAL exchange between the two.
BURN.
Then Rollins follows it up by calling Sheamus and Ronald McDonald cousins, so angry Sheamus reminds Rollins about his briefcase. We end with the Celt teasing a cash-in at NoC that would give Rollins a third match and, PLEASE GOD NO. Seriously, as soon as Sheamus cashes in I will be about 93.6% less interested in the WWE title scene.
Backstage we see Rollins come in and complain about Sting to Stephanie McMahon. Steph says she has a plan but Rollins pretty much ignores her and is trying to figure out where Triple H is. Hint Seth: turn around.
Trips asks if Seth is doubting Stpeh, which Rollins totally ignores. The Authority reminds Rollins that he’s the man and then Trips announces that Sheamus will be facing Orton for the 76th time this year later on tonight. Oh, but Rollins needs to prep for NoC. So he’ll have two matches, both featuring other WWE Champs. The first? A singles match with Intercontinental Champ Ryback, which means no Ryback-Big Show which is a win for all of us really. His second match? Rollins and the New Day against John Cena and the Prime Time Player….
HOLD ON ROLLINS AND NEW DAY?! SETH ROLLINS AND THE NEW DAY ON ONE TEAM? ROLLINS. NEW DAY. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Backstage we see Ryback interviewing about his match with Seth Rollins and the Big Guy talks about being a fighting Champion (who missed two months but okay) while Rollins runs from all his challenges. He promises a Meat Hook and Shellshock to Rollins before mercifully being interrupted by Kevin Owens. Owens is getting in shape by eating an apple and he tells Ryback not to bite off more than he can chew.
Someone at WWE must be reading these recaps, because THEY FINALLY ARE MAKING THE IC TITLE RELEVANT. If WWE puts the strap on Owens and lets him feud with his fellow NXT stand-outs over it for the next year we will all forgive them for the wretched Big Show/Miz/Ryback storyline.
First up, we have Rollins taking on Ryback in a match that was actually much better than expected. The bout took up a good amount of time and Rollins did a great job of making the Big Guy look good in the ring. Well, he tried to at least. Ryback didn’t exactly sell that well in return.
Sting eventually shows up on the Titantron and starts distracting Rollins by doing this over and over again.
And then Ryback rolls up Rollins for the 1-2-3. WAIT WHAT?!
WWE, YOU REALLY LET YOUR FLOUNDERING INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION GO OVER THE WWE CHAMP?! SERIOUSLY?! COME ON MAN.
You know what WWE? No, just no.
And then to add insult to injury, Sting puts a mask on the statue which just further infuriates the Champ.
Backstage we see Rollins pissed yelling for Sting when… DON’T YOU DARE BE SOUR!
The New Day is here, and yup, New Day/Rollins is as amazing as we all thought it would be.
The New Days does what the New Day does and Rollins gets angry because he wants Sting and has no time for this. Then Xavier Woods points behind him and HEY THAT’S EDGE AND CHRISTIAN! Edge reminds them about last time they were in the same arena, when Rollins threatened to break Edge’s neck until Cena brought back the Authority and Rollins leaves angry like a 8-year-old.
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL FOLKS.
Woods says that he’s been waiting for this day and yells ‘BATTLE!’ before playing his trombone and then the New Day celebrate their win. NOT SO FAST. Christian reminds them of a very important rule.
THAT’S RIGHT, YOU CAN’T HAVE A BATTLE WITHOUT A KAZOO. Christian then Kazoos ‘New Day Sucks’ for all of us and Big E puts an end to that by…
Eating the Kazoo.
WAIT, THERE’S EVEN MORE.
The Dudley Boyz show up and announce that New Day will face the PTP for the tag titles next Monday, and the winner of that gets the Dudleyz at Night of Champions! This all ends with Bubby and D-Von changing ‘New Day Rocks’ clap chant to a ‘Get the Tables’ one and SO MUCH AWESOME.
It’s main event time and John Cena and the PTP make their way out before we get to enjoy the phenomenal New Day entrance, trombone included.
Perfection.
Rollins makes his own entrance, limping out and then… being joined by a fan.
Well that was fun.
The match itself was definitely entertaining, mostly because Xavier Woods put on a hell of a comedy routine from ringside. Seriously, he played a sad trombone sound AS JOHN CENA WAS GETTING STOMPED IN THE CORNER. Easily one of the funniest things I’ve seen in years. The match did a good job of putting New Day over, and just in case you forgot, Big E is really strong. Like, John Cena strong.
But at the end of the day LOL CENA WINS and the face that runs the place hits Kofi Kingston with an Attitude Adjustment for the 1-2-3. Cue the Millions of Dollars/Cena mash-up.
Rollins gets in the middle of the ring and is coming to terms with his two losses and overall terrible night. But no, things are about to get worse Seth. Sting is now back on the Titantron and he says Rollins never came and got his statue, then asks for the lights. It’s revealed that behind Sting is a garbage truck and well, this isn’t going to end well for Rollins statue.
The statue is destroyed and Seth is rightfully distraught by these developments.
For his part, Sting is anything but distraught. He’s quite enjoying himself and he rides off into the night with the garbage truck as Raw goes off the air.
Poor Seth, what a horrible night for the Champ.
Other Results:
Ambreigns Needs a Partner – I’m going to kill two birds with one stone here. First, we got Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns (who made a Shield entrance together through the crowd, swoon.) against the Ascension for reasons. As you would expect, Ambreigns picked up the win by hitting a Doomsday, Spear and Dirty Deeds in that order.
After, the Wyatt’s appear on the Titantron and Strong Throwman (that’s his name from now on, deal with it) tells them it’s okay to be afraid before Wyatt tells them the apocalypse is coming and Luke Harper says ‘run’ so yeah same Wyatt promo we get every week. We then later on see Ambreigns talking to Randy Orton backstage.
Like I said, two birds one stone. You don’t need a recap of Orton-Sheamus because IT’S HAPPENED 100 TIMES THIS YEAR. Orton gets the win with an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE but the fun started after the match. Orton starts leaving when the lights go out and HEY THAT’S THE WYATT FAMILY. The Wyatt’s proceed to destroy the Viper and ensure that nobody on Earth ever wants to be partners with Ambreigns. This goes two ways, either Orton ends up their partner which, yawn, or someone from NXT (BARON CORBIN PLEASE) gets called up and makes their debut.
Don’t screw this up WWE.
Sasha Banks is the Boss – This is your weekly reminder that Sasha Banks is bae.
Pretty good match between The Boss and Paige that actually got a fair amount of TV time and even a ‘This is Awesome!’ chant from the crowd. The end saw Banks pick up the win with a roll-up following a Team BAD distraction of Paige. Hey WWE, if you want the Divas Revolution to succeed, PUSH SASHA BANKS NOW. Thanks.
PUSH CESARO – Speaking of guys that need a push, Cesaro had what should have been a squash match with the Miz that featured a cowboy-hat wearing Cesaro uppercutting Miz’s face off.
Instead this thing ended in a double count-out that Miz likely would have won if the Big Show hadn’t shown up and scared him into the crowd. Oh, and Cesaro eats a KO Punch because reasons. Seriously, PUSH CESARO ALREADY.
Nikki’s Record In Jeopardy – The Bellas come out and talk about how amazing Nikki is and how she’s going to throw a ‘Bellabration’ to celebrate next Monday night and listen I don’t care what John Cena tells WWE to tell us, the Bellas are hot garbage. They can’t talk, they can barely wrestle, and they need to not be the focus of the Divas Revolution. YEAH I SAID IT.
Team PCB interrupts them and Charlotte says that she is getting her Divas Title match next Monday before Nikki breaks the record and that she’s going to get the win. Of course this leads to a brawl that ends in Charlotte locking Nikki in the Figure Eight, a sure-fire sign that Charlotte won’t be winning next Monday.
Dudley Boyz Squash Los Matadores – Short match that teased a potential feud between Los Matadores and El Torito (seriously) and ended with this.
After the match one of Los Matadores starts punking El Torito (because beating a midget is acceptable or something) and so the Dudley Boyz save the day by… murdering an innocent table.
Rusev/Ziggler Lives – Who cares. Lana got hurt, Rusev said forgave Lana and Summer Rae for being women that fell for Dolph, and it ended with this.
Seriously though, that superkick was picture perfect. Oh and by the way, Ziggler-Rusev at Night of Champions YAY!