Gilbert Arenas, Kenyon Martin, and Brandon Jennings have taken X by storm after sharing stories about how they used to have rules with their teammates dealing with groupies.
This is crazy and it’s got folks on X dropping wild comments. And here are some insane locker room stories.
Magic regularly hooked up with groupies in the team sauna after games.
For Magic Johnson the scoring carried over from the court to the team sauna as it was reported by Jerry West that he was introducing a Little Magic into the uh, lives, of L.A.’s finest groupies prior to postgame interviews. Nothing like taking the edge off before having to answer questions about why you made [blank] pass, and why you took [blank] shot.
Charles Haley: The Last Naked Warrior
According to author Jeff Pearlman the “Last Naked Warrior,” was a nickname that Charles Haley gave himself. If ever there was a story that truly exemplified locker room insanity, this is it. Haley repeatedly whipped out his erection and jerked off inches from the faces of unsuspecting teammates who initially laughed off the trauma. Because, that has to be a joke, right? If you don’t get it, it’s because you don’t get high art.
Eventually it got to a point where he’d pull it out in front of Golden Great Joe Montana and say “You know you want to suck this.” He would even bash his candle to ejaculation in team meetings while talking about his teammates wives.
His penis wasn’t the only thing he strangled during film sessions as he choked coach George Siefert in a 1991 transgression that finally seemed to alert the brass. In that same year he pissed on the floor of team president Carmen Policy. Add that to the fact that he got into a physical confrontation with Steve Young, finally, causing him to be traded to an unsuspecting locker room of Dallas Cowboys.
While in Texas, Haley questioned a new teammate in the crudest terms possible by saying “You’re from California? You must be a fucking faggot.” At that point Haley whacked off in front of the man to reaffirm his own heterosexuality.
That being said, all of this must not have been that big a deal because San Francisco reclaimed him after five, much needed, seasons away in ‘Big D.’ If you’re a five-time Pro Bowler then people will find a way to make it work. Even if “making it work,” means avoiding eye contact for two straight seasons.
The Patriots’ HR Nightmare
You may have noticed in the people involved that we had to put tight end before Zeke Mowatt’s name. That’s because nobody remembers who the hell Zeke Mowatt is. The most memorable part of his career occurred in September of 1990, when Boston sports reporter Lisa Olson was confronted by a handful of semi-nude Patriots doing their best to get sued for sexual harassment. The boldest of the offenders was, you guessed it tight end Zeke Mowatt.
Mowatt approached Olson butt naked and said “Is this what you want? Do you want to take a bite out of this?” The world of internet porn has lied to you about what happens next. Olson gave up on her interview subject (cornerback Maurice Hurst) and left the premises, leaving the Patriots to, presumably, vent in an orgy of frustrated male sexuality. Olson was then repudiated by Pats owner Victor Kiam II who said he “couldn’t disagree with his player’s actions,” and called Olson “a classic bitch.” He then spent over 100 grand apologizing via newspapers. As for Mowatt he was fined roughly 1/37th of his salary, and retired a year later with this stain on an otherwise unremarkable career.
The Blowup Doll Ritual
It may shock some women to find out that men aren’t always as chivalrous as they appear when trying to engage in the mating process. Coming back from a winless road trip, Nick Swisher attempted a little known third world ritual intended to break the team-wide offensive hex. A reporter (who probably tattled a lot as a kid) saw the “display” and “reported” it causing Manager Ozzie Guillen to actually have to explain why there were two blow-up dolls in the clubhouse being sodomized by baseball bats.
Gilbert Arenas’ Gun Show
In December 2009, Gilbert Arenas copped to the fact that he was violating both team rules, and D.C. law by storing unloaded guns in his team locker. It escalated to a point where Arenas and Javaris Crittenton pulled out their unloaded glocks, on Christmas Eve no less, over a gambling debt. On Jan. 6 of the new year, the franchise player tone deafly mocked the whole situation by using finger pistols in a classic pregame show of don’t give a fuckery. Three weeks later he and Crittenton were suspended for the season. Arenas never did get his career back on track. Less than 25 games into the 2010-11 campaign the Wiz traded him to Orlando. As for Crittenton, he was charged with the murder of a 22-year-old woman named Julian Jones. Hmmm…when you frame it that way Arenas looks like a model player.
Once Gilbert Arenas, Kenyon Martin, and Brandon Jennings have come out with these insane rules about groupies, expect more of such wild revelations.
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